Fat Isn’t the Problem…It’s the Way We Think and Talk about It

“I can’t respect or trust someone who is fat.” Yesterday, I saw a video posted where this was said—and for a moment, I felt the urge to come back swinging. And while part of me wanted to react with anger, a deeper part of me knew—this conversation matters more than that.

So, this is my response to the hate.

Because statements like that don’t just sit on the surface—they go straight for something deeper. They echo the quiet fears many people already carry: Maybe I’m not enough. Maybe I don’t measure up. Maybe people see me this way.

My first reaction? Anger.
The kind that wants to fire back, tear it apart, and match that energy with something just as mean and hateful.

But here’s the truth I had to sit with:

Responding with hate might feel powerful in the moment…
but it does nothing to actually change perspectives, and won’t lead to any lasting change.

So instead, I want to offer a different response.

Not a soft one.
Not a passive one.
But a grounded, honest one.

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Let’s start here:

Reducing a human being’s value to their body size is not strength.
It’s not discipline.
It’s not clarity.

It’s a lack of understanding.

Because bodies are not simple.

Weight is influenced by biology, mental health, stress, trauma, environment, habits, access, hormones, sleep, and yes—choices. But to isolate one visible outcome and use it as a measure of someone’s character, intelligence, or worth?

That’s not insight. That’s assumption.

And it’s a dangerous one.

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There’s also a deeper belief embedded in statements like that:
That people only deserve respect once they’ve “earned it” through a certain kind of appearance or behavior.

But respect that is conditional on perfection isn’t really respect at all.

It’s approval.

And approval can be taken away the second someone no longer meets the standard.

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Here’s what I believe instead:

A person’s body does not determine their value.
A person’s body does not determine their intelligence.
A person’s body does not determine whether they have something meaningful to offer the world.

I have known people in larger bodies who are deeply disciplined, emotionally intelligent, incredibly self-aware, and resilient in ways that most people will never understand.

And I have known people in smaller bodies who lack those same qualities.

Body size is not a reliable measure of character.

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Now, I also want to be very clear about something—because this part matters too.

Rejecting fat shaming does not mean rejecting personal responsibility.

I believe in taking care of your body.
I believe in growth.
I believe in making changes that support your health and your life.

But I do not believe that shame, disrespect, or dehumanization are effective—or acceptable—tools for creating that change.

You don’t build better humans by tearing them down.

You don’t create discipline through humiliation.

And you don’t inspire growth by telling people they are worthless.

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If anything, that approach tends to do the opposite.

It creates disconnection.
It creates shame.
It creates the exact emotional states that often drive the behaviors people are being judged for in the first place.

So if the goal is actually health, growth, or contribution…

This isn’t it.

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There is a way to hold high standards without losing humanity.

There is a way to believe in discipline without demeaning people.

There is a way to value health without equating body size with worth.

And it starts with recognizing that every person you see is living a life you cannot fully see.

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To the people who think like this, I’m not here to insult you (even though my ego really wants to).

But I will challenge you.

If your respect for others is dependent on how closely they match your definition of “disciplined” or “put together,” then your respect is narrow.

If you believe that someone’s body automatically determines their value, then you are missing entire dimensions of what makes a human being meaningful.

And if your instinct is to dismiss people based on appearance, you may be closing yourself off from perspectives, wisdom, and connection that could actually expand you.

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And to the people who were hurt reading something like that—

I want you to hear this clearly:

Someone else’s inability to see your value does not mean it isn’t there.

You are not disqualified from being respected, heard, or taken seriously because of your body.

You are not a “before” version of your life.

You are a whole human being—right now.

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And if you do want to grow, change, or take better care of yourself?

Let that come from self-respect.
From honesty.
From a desire to build a life you feel good in.

Not from trying to prove your worth to people who decided you didn’t have it in the first place.

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Because the truth is:

Your value was never something they had the authority to measure.